I found an ace of spades on the sidewalk. I am always finding things on the sidewalk.

“The ace of spades, the death card.” A mobster was found shot with the death card in his “bejeweled paw.” The US troops rained them down upon the superstitious Viet Cong, psychological warfare by the Bicycle Secret Weapon. “The ace of spades, the death card.” I found it on the sidewalk, rained on and trampled, and put it in my bag.

“All I do is wait in silence and dread,” Maggie said. What a poetic turn of phrase. I do not wait anymore. Because I do not want anymore, maybe. I am going places but I do not have any plans. I will take life as it comes, maybe. Patient and observing. Perhaps I will put down roots.

So let’s just talk about it. I am buying a house. Maybe. It was built 129 years ago. It is white and cream. It has original wood floors and an exposed brick interior wall. It has lead paint and needs new wiring. I love it.

I am terrified. To go about this venture all on my own. To pour a lot of money into fixing up an old dwelling. To have to work the yard! All for the sake of hexagonal yellow ottomans and maybe a pet crow? It is never enough/it is always too much. Easily bored and easily overwhelmed. I refuse to sit around and wait for things to happen but at the same time I do not like doing things on my own.

Do you remember when I went to Paris? All alone. I was terrified. Never having left the country before. Jet-lagged out of my mind in a big unfriendly city. Easily traumatized? Obviously.

But I wasn’t going to wait for anybody. I had things to do so I was going to do them. The same applies here. I cried outside of church for half an hour because this is a very scary thing to do when you’re alone and unsure of it.

Patient and observant? I don’t know. How can you be patient and observant when you also try to be moving? Maybe I am a tree, put down roots after all and let the branches move freely. I’m in no rush here. Perfectly content to eat Rockwell’s ice cream and think about blood sacrifice and religion.

And that’s it, you know—everything has a price. For mankind to live the sinless Man had to die. Is it wrong to say I wish we practiced animal sacrifice in modern religion? The intense tangibility of ending one life so another can keep on living. I can imagine myself sobbing at the altar of our God. I can imagine the endless red.

Everything has a price. Everything has two sides. I choose what I choose, and I must pay.

“Ace of spades—Port of Morrow—Life is death is life."


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