I tried so hard to write this blog post and I couldn't.

It's midnight and it's so hot in my room.

I've spent the past eight years of my life since I suddenly became self-aware in eighth grade desperately trying to understand the world and my place in it.

 

All I've come up with so far is that I exist in an in-between space.

In between every social group.

In between every skillset.

In between the trees and the museum as I ate falafels alone in Vienna.

 

Franz told me that he hired me because he wasn't sure how I fit in.

("Okay, this is Camilla, this is who she is, let's invite her here and see how she can shake things up.")

Tbh I'm not sure how I fit in either.

 

Last summer when I went to France I learned that the power of architecture lies in the in-between space. That there is a color of the space between things, and that color is called Other White.

 

And now I find myself once again in some in-between space.

In between being a student and actual employment.

In between Europe and America.

In between futurism and being a Slovenian peasant.

 

Volker told me that I'm going to be so confused when I go home. At first I was like "What?" but I think that he's right because when I saw PJ's Fourth of July snapchat of people dancing to country music in unison it felt like a hallucination.

But at the same time when I couldn't pay with a card in a store today I walked out of there and sort of almost cried on my way home. As it turns out delayed culture shock is a thing and I don't have enough time left here to correct it.

 

Most of all though it's between being a kid and being an adult.

People all the time tell me I'm SO YOUNG.

("1994? Awww, how cuuuuute!")

And of course I feel my youth and inexperience so very keenly.

But in the past few months I have random intense memories all the time of being a kid.

And I've become aware of things like how you can't wear a crappy watch cause you might be meeting corporate people.

 

They say that growing pains are how you're going to get places.

But it turns out the pain part is a really big thing.

All I've wanted is for my life to make sense,

But instead I find myself in-between—!

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