I tried so hard to write this blog post and I couldn't.
It's midnight and it's so hot in my room.
I've spent the past eight years of my life since I suddenly became self-aware in eighth grade desperately trying to understand the world and my place in it.
All I've come up with so far is that I exist in an in-between space.
In between every social group.
In between every skillset.
In between the trees and the museum as I ate falafels alone in Vienna.
Franz told me that he hired me because he wasn't sure how I fit in.
("Okay, this is Camilla, this is who she is, let's invite her here and see how she can shake things up.")
Tbh I'm not sure how I fit in either.
And now I find myself once again in some in-between space.
In between being a student and actual employment.
In between Europe and America.
In between futurism and being a Slovenian peasant.
Volker told me that I'm going to be so confused when I go home. At first I was like "What?" but I think that he's right because when I saw PJ's Fourth of July snapchat of people dancing to country music in unison it felt like a hallucination.
But at the same time when I couldn't pay with a card in a store today I walked out of there and sort of almost cried on my way home. As it turns out delayed culture shock is a thing and I don't have enough time left here to correct it.
Most of all though it's between being a kid and being an adult.
People all the time tell me I'm SO YOUNG.
("1994? Awww, how cuuuuute!")
And of course I feel my youth and inexperience so very keenly.
But in the past few months I have random intense memories all the time of being a kid.
And I've become aware of things like how you can't wear a crappy watch cause you might be meeting corporate people.
They say that growing pains are how you're going to get places.
But it turns out the pain part is a really big thing.
All I've wanted is for my life to make sense,
But instead I find myself in-between—!